Stuff Black Girls Who Wear Glasses and Sport an Afro Named Rachel likes and Sometimes Dislikes

In honor of my favorite blogs...EVER Stuff White People Like and it's spin off Stuff Black People Hate, I've decided to blog about:

"Stuff Black Girls Who Wear Glasses and Sport an Afro Named Rachel likes and Sometimes Dislikes" Clever, huh?

Beyonce

The part of me that LOVES Brazilian & NYC trannies, is the same part of me that loves Beyonce. The Glam, the Glitz, the "fuck that nigga"and "I am one fly bitch" attitude in her songs... What's not to love?

However, besides her unbeweavable-ness, I just find it fun to hate on her. And as long as she keeps making really, ridiculously bad movies (if you actually paid ten dollars to see Obsessed please go play in traffic... immediatley) and letting her mother dress her like Las Vegas Barbie, I can continue to reach my daily hate quota with no problem. Besides, I prefer getting all my hate out on celebrities so that I don't need to hate on actual people who don't merit my energy.

Traveling

I love seeing new places, learning about new cultures and trying new foods. My "Places I'd like to Visit" list is like 10 pages long however, the getting there sucks. All the little bottles, liquid laws, bad food make me crazy. And you can't even drink a glass of wine or beer to help you feel more relaxed without having to break the bank. Just one more thing about those little travel size bottles. Dammmnnnn them! I need 10 travel size bottles of conditioner to moisurize half of my Fro and its not even that big yet! It's a damn shame!

Shorts

With summer slowly but surely coming, what's better than a nice pair of shorts to go with your flip-flops? Maybe a cold Bud Lime & BBQ at the Beach with your closest friends would be nicer, but I digress. Shorts are great, ... unless you have thighs that resemble tree trunks like mine. Most jean shorts just suffocate my thighs until they're numb. Which is why I usually just stick to summer dresses. >Sigh<

Boys

Lastly and most duh worthy, stuff that black girls who wear glasses and sport an Afro named Rachel likes and sometimes dislikes are boys. They smell. They're stupid. Their annoying. But I don't mind them when they're quietly spooning me. haha.

Actually, you know, I really should be more specific. Those qualities, mostly just pertains to straight boys because gay boys are great. They smell good, are far more intelligent than your average penis and love me as much as I love them. In short, I'll happily be a fag-hag for life!

Axe:Rachel

The DiverCity (diversity for my slower readers)

How come no one told me that crack resurfaced in a big way while I was in Brazil; and it resurfaced in the form a new "reality series" called The City. Now, I occasionally watched the Hills and although I enjoyed it, LC's incessant winy-ness and naivete really put me off. And don't even get me started on Spencer and Heidi's dysfunctional- dumbassedness. I think the problem with The Hills was that it lacked a true heroine; they were all superficial and stupid.

However The City has found a true heroine in sweet, smart and super trendy Whitney. That bitch has legs for days AND knows how to dress. I love that they foil her sweet nature with Olivia, the beautiful, uptown socialite (uptown girls= uptight girls). She makes the perfect, villainous, hater already scheming on Whitney's man from day one. Between the clothes, the lifestyle, the romances and being able to actually relate with Whitney's sweet & smart, no-nonsense personality, I'm totally hooked.


My only gripe: Why is Whitney in NYC, the center of the world and multi-culturality and she doesn't have not one token Asian, Black, Latina, non-white friend? FOR REAL??? The most diverse character on the show is Whitney's Australian boy toy. Not that he's not nice eye and ear candy, but if you've ever lived in NY, you know that there are plenty of fashionable Asians, mixed- race, purple people eaters in all of the NYC scenes. The Blipsters (black hipsters downtown), the OTB Asian Fashionistas (off the boat) just to name a few. Puhlease, MTV! You can do better than that!
















However, I will continue to feed my addiction watching all the past episodes on mtv.com and salivating over the clothes and shoes, praying that someone at MTV comes to their senses and asks me to be the token in the beautiful "reality" TV world where no one worries about paying rent on their million dollar Tribeca loft or thinks twice about eating at the Meat Packing's newest restaurant for a $200 entree. We can dream.

HAHAHAHA

Axe: Rachel

Dial 411 for Phone Sex

When I was 13 I started dating my first boyfriend. An all American, Jamerican who played the drums and football; we were the perfect middle school power couple but unfortunately, it didn't work out so well. You know that saying, "once you go black, you never go back". Well, he was more of a "after me he went white, and since, only sees light."

I later dated this guy freshman year of college and that ended unfortunately as well. He was an NYU film student with ADD and a thing for conscious rap music, not my ideal mate, but at NYU, you're lucky to find one who's not gay. The tagline of that relationship would be "once he saw asian, he needed no persuasion".

A few rocky relationships and curt courtships after that and I finally found my prince charming. Right from the start he was very affectionate (held my hand like I couldn't walk straight without his support; which might have been true), very romantic (bought me various silly presents such as a frog holding an 'I Love You' pillow), and very communicative (always saying things like, "Wow you are so amazing. I honestly adore you!")

Like any suburban girl who grew up on The Little Mermaid, I ate that shit up. I loved it. I reveled in it. But, unfortunately those things cannot make a relationship last through something as traumatic as long distance. Millions of miles, the Atlantic Ocean and no frequent flier miles between us, I figured our love had run it's course.

But then, I discovered the secret to long distance relationships. Phone sex.

Now the first time, I won't lie, I was put off a little bit. It had been a month that we'd been apart, and when he called, we had a seemingly normal conversation.

"Hey. How was your day?"

"Good. The same. You?"

It seemed innocent enough, "Is it warm over there? What are you wearing?"

"No, its December in New York. Its fuckin' freezing."

"Oh, that's too bad."

And then, "Take off all of your fucking clothes, I'm gonna make you so hot."

It hit me like Mike Tyson; so hard I could barely materialize a response. "Huh?"

"I said, take. off. your. fucking. clothes. It's about to get real hot."

And logically my only response was a hurried, "OK."

Now, I don't consider myself a sexpert but thanks to my Libra openness to new ideas and experiences, I am, what I would call Kinorky (that's kinky and dorky combined).
So, I dropped my neon green,Victoria Secret granny panties (how come they are always baggy in the butt?) and he proceeded to replay all the sexy scenes we had ever experienced together and build sexual fantasies for us to experiment in the future.

I was addicted like Whitney. Phone sex is the new crack.

The End.

____________________________________________________________________ Sounds exciting, huh? What are you waiting for? Go, call your boyfriend, your hook up, anyone really, even your grandmother. I'm sure she can teach you a few things... ;) And then listen to this song... ridiculous yet intriguing.

Axe: Rachel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHOS9fY-uqc

Makeover!!!

Long Time No Nothing.

Basically, no more Brazilian debauchery because I'm back in NY (long story). However, there is plenty of NY neurotic-ness to provide the whole family with blog-style entertainment. So really, what I'm trying to say is that my blog is getting a makeover!!!


No more bikinis and havaianas; its time for Dooney bags and chai lattes bitches.

Ate Logo!

Carnaval: Debauchery at its Best

Well, Carnaval ended this past Wednesday and all I can say is: I have never so many straight men in womens clothing! Hahaha. Carnaval in Salvador is arguably the biggest party in the world. Imagine 3 different parts of town with live music, endless beer and alchohol, millions of people kissing, dancing, jumping, fighting and all of this happening from noon to 8am everyday for a week. Seriously, I could hear the bands passing from my apartment and the music didn't stop until about 8 am and would start at around noon. Spring break's got nothing on Bahian Carnaval. And of course it hadn't rained for weeks but as soon as Carnaval week hit, the rain just wouldn't stop. Nothing like a wet, drunk, dirty, sweaty, people making out with each other. Mmmm. And I should add that if thats too intense for you, you may want to check out Rio's Carnaval. Rio's carnaval is like golf, a spectator sport( not a bad spectators sport considering the beautiful costumes, music and infamous brazilian mulattas),

while Bahian carnaval, your playing in the big game. However, beyond the Debauchery, there is a lot of beauty behind Carnaval. The costumes, the traditional afro-brazilian blocos (or bands), and the history. It was a great experience that I can't wait to repeat a second time around. If you are booking your tickets to Carnaval 2010 already (which you should be), here are some of my favorite artists and music to help you get ready for your trip:

Ile Aiye: The leader of Afro-blocos that fought for Afro-Brazilian representation and a conquered a space in Bahian Carnaval. Beautiful Costumes. A Beautiful message of racial consciousness and equality. Beautiful Dancing. Simply Beautiful.



Ivete Sangalo: The Queen of Axé music or as I like to call her, the Brazilian Beyoncé. That bitch is fierce. One of the most popular singers in Brazil, with about a million hit songs including this years most popular song of Carnaval, she can def put on a show!




Olodum: Following behind Ile Aiyes footsteps, Olodum is another afro-bloco known for creating the Samba Reggae music style. Got a passion for percussion? Olodum is the place to be with hundreds of drummers and international fame, Olodum is a good time.




Timbalada: Arguably the best band to go out with for Carnaval, Timbalada is my favorite. Great music, great drumming, don't get trampled in the crowd of Timbaleiros dancing, jumping & running. Put on your tribal paint and buy your tickets early because Timbalada is that shit. period.



Parangole: Looking for the down to earth scene in Bahia. Thats pagode. Pagode is kind of like a Bahian hip hop. The lyrics are usually pointless, or about sex and the music makes you wanna shake your ass. Parangole is one of my faves as well. They are straight hood or what we would say "from the streets". Translation in Portugues: "Favela ê Favela. Eu sou Favela!"



Chiclete com Banana: Another super popular Axé band led by a funny looking, old ass singer. However, I must admit Chiclete is a lot fun. Their songs are catchy. They have a large following too with richer Bahians ( the chicleteiros/ chicleteiras). You'll spend more money to see them, but you'll def have a great time.



Psirico: Another pagode band, Psirico is new but def came out with a bang. They had the most popular song at last years Carnaval. "Eu te quero toooda; te quero todinha!" Danceable and fun. Turn them up and practice bouncing your butt to the beat.

Carnaval '09

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays!

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday this year. I miss you all, I miss home, however with Christmas already here, its obvious that the time is flying by. Before you and I know it, I'll be home. I wish you all joy, love and happy thoughts (like how I could've spent Christmas on the beach this year; that's a pretty happy thought). Happy Holidays!

Axe: Rachel

*notice how I was politically correct with the "happy holidays". hahaha. that's a remnant of attending NYJew (NYU).