The Importance of Bottled Water

Need I Say More?

*Warning this blog engages adult content*

This past weekend after a fun Friday night at Star Lounge, my family and I got to talking about being in a relationship and clubbin’. If you’re in a serious relationship with someone, do you stop partying to stay home and boo-love? Do you go out partying with your other or leave him/her at home?

I, personally, like going to a party with my boo every now and again. It’s like foreplay (Yes, I said it!) I dust off my freakum dress and slip on my faux-boutins (fake Louboutins). It’s fun to go out with your man and be the baddest bitch in the club, having other people conspicuously staring while you’re whining up on your boo in the corner; you both get a little tipsy and after an hour in the club, DAMN, you’ll be making excuses to your friends like, “Oh, I gotta go right now. I think I left the iron on...and face down on my bed…yeah… I'm gonna go... NOW. Bye!” Sprinting out the club, heels in your hand, trying to get home with your boo, ASAP.

Then there’s Ladies Night or Out with the Boys Night, and that’s a necessity to every relationship’s sanity. Sometimes you just need to pull yourself away from your boo and just hang out with your friends. It’s never healthy to be one of those Siamese couples who are attached at the head. You all know what I mean because everyone has one of those friends... and if you don't , you probably are that friend. For example, you invite your girl out for shopping and a movie and she shows up with her boyfriend, who greets you with, “Let’s get this shit over with so I can go to Best Buy.” Huh? That’s the best way to make all your friends hate you; and God forbid you break up with your boo, you’ll be crying over some random stranger at Starbucks shoulder because you haven’t seen any of your friends in months.

But let’s be real… the first scenario, going to the club with your other, does not happen most of the time. Most of the time, you’re home with your man, boo-lovin and ya’ll ain’t trying to go nowhere. Like my country cousin, Rico, so eloquently put it Friday Night, “I may have been planning to go to the club with my boys but fo’real, if she got that Aquafina wett wett, I ain't going NOWHERE!” (smh?) Yes, read that again. Aquafina. Wett. Wett. as opposed to what? Tap water of course! And with Aquafina wett wett purity is guaranteed. (It says so on the damn bottle!)

In conclusion, going out with your girl/guy can be cool. Going out for boy’s night or ladies night is most definitely necessary. But a night of Aquafina wett wett trumps ALL.

_______________________________________________________________________
I wanna shout out all my *FTN* (Fuck That Nigga!) girls (Bella, Taya...) and any potential new members (you wanna join?).

This is Rach, splashin’ Aquafina wett wett all over this blog.
Axe:Rachel

Barbeques & Barbancourt

It’s that time again… hot weather, cold beers, loud music and loud relatives. Aaaaah! With summer approaching, it’s time, once again, to break out that Barbancourt or whatever is your equivalent of colonial Island rum. You know what I’m talking ‘bout. In Haiti it’s Barbancourt; to Puerto Ricans its Bacardi; to Brazilians it’s Cachaca; to Jamaicans it’s Appleton Estate and so on and so forth. You can find these potent colonial rums in any Caribbean/ South American country that suffered through slavery, especially places that processed sugar cane fields and used sugar cane byproduct to produce a potent rum to help them forget about how they wanted to strangle and stab every white man in sight. So tell your grandpa to break out that ole colonial rum and let the good times roll.

And let me just share a little something I’ve learned about barbeque season. Depending on where you go, there are cultural specific rules that you should be familiar with beforehand such as: a non-Haitian, non-West Indian, non-colored friend invited to me to her home for a barbeque a few weeks ago. My jaw unhinged when she told me that the barbeque would begin at noon. Noon? Being Haitian, I have never heard of any party/ wedding/ communion/funeral and definitely not a bbq that began before 6pm. Now, when I arrived there at 1:45pm (early for a Haitian) and found that all the guests had already arrived, my jaw and bottom lip literally scraped the floor.

When a Haitian family barbecues, everyone shows up after 6pm, and stays until 3am. People are still cooking rice and chicken when you arrive and everyone takes a big ole plate of food home with them on their way home. We drink too much, we eat too much, we dance (sloppily) and we joke on the non-Haitians in Kreyol so they can’t understand what we’re saying; and then we drive home at 3am deaf, drunk and bloated, praying a cop doesn’t pull us over. (Leave it to the reckless blog to make reckless behavior sound so wonderfully tempting). And the colonial island rum is, of course, a staple of the Haitian barbeque. A lil Barbancourt and grandma and grandpa can get drunk and reminisce about the not-so good good old days with Papa Doc. And a lil Barbancourt will put a crying baby or toddler to sleep in 2.3 seconds. Talk about good times! So call up your token Haitian friend, and hit up your local liquor store, because nothing says summer like a good barbeque and Barbancourt.

Sak Pase to all my Zoes!

Enjoy some Haitian humor. It goes well with some Haitian rum…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8NzLfw93xeQ

Axe:Rachel

Girl Power!

The genre of girl groups has a place very near and dear in my heart that began at a very early age with TLC and peaking with the Spice Girls. I especially loved the feisty-er girl groups like Salt and Pepper. When I think about the evolution of girl groups from the Supremes to Sister Sledge to the Dixie Chicks. I find that society and women have evolved immensely in the past decade, especially for my generation. We women, are now much more boisterous, sassy, confident (bordering on cocky) and crude then in the past and this can be reflected in the music of our times. And what would one expect with Madonna and Samantha from Sex and the City at the forefront of changing the way men and women relate sexually?

Okay, okay... I know what you're thinking. Why should you give a fuck? Well, because last week by cousin Bella turned me onto this new adorable girl group called Electrik Red and the best song on their album titled "We Fuck You". Yes that’s right. "We Fuck You". The title alone does not really give you a chance to understand the premise of the song so, here are some lyrics to inspire your imagination.

“I heard you like to put it on the street
And how I'm an undercover freak
You was like flash in the sheets
So fast I had to finish when u leave
Like a kid with a cake you can really eat it (uh)
Like a stray dog happy every time I feed him

I wonder if you know the truth, (know the truth)
Y'all don't fuck us, nigga we fuck you” -Electrik Red

(want more? check this link)

Wow. Talk about Girl Power… We've come a long way from "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends". The lyrics are out of control and yet, I LOVE it. I got that shit on repeat on my ipod.

I put that song on a mix with this new joint “Took the Night” by Chelly which sounds fantastically drag-a-licious. Lemme hit you with some of those lyrics…

“Hate hate hate hate hate
I don’t care what bitches say
I don’t even look their way
Look their way look their way

Every time I walk in the club
They hating on me cuz they know I look good
My hair done right and my dress real tight
All eyes on me I took the night.”

(work it! link to the full song)

Now put these songs together and what do you get? Girl Power 2009 which is based on what I call “Bitch Appeal”. And you know exactly what I mean. All of us single, nice, girls out there can name at least five cute, sweet, great catch boyfriends who are dating she-devils bitch whores. Why? Because men LOVE bitches. (for further proof please buy Why Men Love Bitches at amazon.com) It’s a damn near science, ya’ll. Not buying it??? Then you tell me how Posh Spice with her tight lipped, botoxed, frown got David Beckham and spunky lil Scary Spice got Eddy Murphy… as a baby daddy. Bitch please! Case closed.

Let me clarify: I am NOT telling you to that you should be a bitch to get a man. I am simply saying that it may help if you pick up some bitchy tendencies. So, next time you’re steppin’ out with the girls to pick up some sailors for fleet week, turn up your bitch mix in the car & get your mind right.

The Bitch Mix

I Took the Night by Chelly

Love Game by Lady Gaga

We Fuck U by Electrik Red

Single Ladies by Beyonce

Bossy by Kelis

My Neck My Back by Khia



Axe:Rachel

Stuff Black Girls Who Wear Glasses and Sport an Afro Named Rachel likes and Sometimes Dislikes

In honor of my favorite blogs...EVER Stuff White People Like and it's spin off Stuff Black People Hate, I've decided to blog about:

"Stuff Black Girls Who Wear Glasses and Sport an Afro Named Rachel likes and Sometimes Dislikes" Clever, huh?

Beyonce

The part of me that LOVES Brazilian & NYC trannies, is the same part of me that loves Beyonce. The Glam, the Glitz, the "fuck that nigga"and "I am one fly bitch" attitude in her songs... What's not to love?

However, besides her unbeweavable-ness, I just find it fun to hate on her. And as long as she keeps making really, ridiculously bad movies (if you actually paid ten dollars to see Obsessed please go play in traffic... immediatley) and letting her mother dress her like Las Vegas Barbie, I can continue to reach my daily hate quota with no problem. Besides, I prefer getting all my hate out on celebrities so that I don't need to hate on actual people who don't merit my energy.

Traveling

I love seeing new places, learning about new cultures and trying new foods. My "Places I'd like to Visit" list is like 10 pages long however, the getting there sucks. All the little bottles, liquid laws, bad food make me crazy. And you can't even drink a glass of wine or beer to help you feel more relaxed without having to break the bank. Just one more thing about those little travel size bottles. Dammmnnnn them! I need 10 travel size bottles of conditioner to moisurize half of my Fro and its not even that big yet! It's a damn shame!

Shorts

With summer slowly but surely coming, what's better than a nice pair of shorts to go with your flip-flops? Maybe a cold Bud Lime & BBQ at the Beach with your closest friends would be nicer, but I digress. Shorts are great, ... unless you have thighs that resemble tree trunks like mine. Most jean shorts just suffocate my thighs until they're numb. Which is why I usually just stick to summer dresses. >Sigh<

Boys

Lastly and most duh worthy, stuff that black girls who wear glasses and sport an Afro named Rachel likes and sometimes dislikes are boys. They smell. They're stupid. Their annoying. But I don't mind them when they're quietly spooning me. haha.

Actually, you know, I really should be more specific. Those qualities, mostly just pertains to straight boys because gay boys are great. They smell good, are far more intelligent than your average penis and love me as much as I love them. In short, I'll happily be a fag-hag for life!

Axe:Rachel

The DiverCity (diversity for my slower readers)

How come no one told me that crack resurfaced in a big way while I was in Brazil; and it resurfaced in the form a new "reality series" called The City. Now, I occasionally watched the Hills and although I enjoyed it, LC's incessant winy-ness and naivete really put me off. And don't even get me started on Spencer and Heidi's dysfunctional- dumbassedness. I think the problem with The Hills was that it lacked a true heroine; they were all superficial and stupid.

However The City has found a true heroine in sweet, smart and super trendy Whitney. That bitch has legs for days AND knows how to dress. I love that they foil her sweet nature with Olivia, the beautiful, uptown socialite (uptown girls= uptight girls). She makes the perfect, villainous, hater already scheming on Whitney's man from day one. Between the clothes, the lifestyle, the romances and being able to actually relate with Whitney's sweet & smart, no-nonsense personality, I'm totally hooked.


My only gripe: Why is Whitney in NYC, the center of the world and multi-culturality and she doesn't have not one token Asian, Black, Latina, non-white friend? FOR REAL??? The most diverse character on the show is Whitney's Australian boy toy. Not that he's not nice eye and ear candy, but if you've ever lived in NY, you know that there are plenty of fashionable Asians, mixed- race, purple people eaters in all of the NYC scenes. The Blipsters (black hipsters downtown), the OTB Asian Fashionistas (off the boat) just to name a few. Puhlease, MTV! You can do better than that!
















However, I will continue to feed my addiction watching all the past episodes on mtv.com and salivating over the clothes and shoes, praying that someone at MTV comes to their senses and asks me to be the token in the beautiful "reality" TV world where no one worries about paying rent on their million dollar Tribeca loft or thinks twice about eating at the Meat Packing's newest restaurant for a $200 entree. We can dream.

HAHAHAHA

Axe: Rachel

Dial 411 for Phone Sex

When I was 13 I started dating my first boyfriend. An all American, Jamerican who played the drums and football; we were the perfect middle school power couple but unfortunately, it didn't work out so well. You know that saying, "once you go black, you never go back". Well, he was more of a "after me he went white, and since, only sees light."

I later dated this guy freshman year of college and that ended unfortunately as well. He was an NYU film student with ADD and a thing for conscious rap music, not my ideal mate, but at NYU, you're lucky to find one who's not gay. The tagline of that relationship would be "once he saw asian, he needed no persuasion".

A few rocky relationships and curt courtships after that and I finally found my prince charming. Right from the start he was very affectionate (held my hand like I couldn't walk straight without his support; which might have been true), very romantic (bought me various silly presents such as a frog holding an 'I Love You' pillow), and very communicative (always saying things like, "Wow you are so amazing. I honestly adore you!")

Like any suburban girl who grew up on The Little Mermaid, I ate that shit up. I loved it. I reveled in it. But, unfortunately those things cannot make a relationship last through something as traumatic as long distance. Millions of miles, the Atlantic Ocean and no frequent flier miles between us, I figured our love had run it's course.

But then, I discovered the secret to long distance relationships. Phone sex.

Now the first time, I won't lie, I was put off a little bit. It had been a month that we'd been apart, and when he called, we had a seemingly normal conversation.

"Hey. How was your day?"

"Good. The same. You?"

It seemed innocent enough, "Is it warm over there? What are you wearing?"

"No, its December in New York. Its fuckin' freezing."

"Oh, that's too bad."

And then, "Take off all of your fucking clothes, I'm gonna make you so hot."

It hit me like Mike Tyson; so hard I could barely materialize a response. "Huh?"

"I said, take. off. your. fucking. clothes. It's about to get real hot."

And logically my only response was a hurried, "OK."

Now, I don't consider myself a sexpert but thanks to my Libra openness to new ideas and experiences, I am, what I would call Kinorky (that's kinky and dorky combined).
So, I dropped my neon green,Victoria Secret granny panties (how come they are always baggy in the butt?) and he proceeded to replay all the sexy scenes we had ever experienced together and build sexual fantasies for us to experiment in the future.

I was addicted like Whitney. Phone sex is the new crack.

The End.

____________________________________________________________________ Sounds exciting, huh? What are you waiting for? Go, call your boyfriend, your hook up, anyone really, even your grandmother. I'm sure she can teach you a few things... ;) And then listen to this song... ridiculous yet intriguing.

Axe: Rachel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHOS9fY-uqc

Makeover!!!

Long Time No Nothing.

Basically, no more Brazilian debauchery because I'm back in NY (long story). However, there is plenty of NY neurotic-ness to provide the whole family with blog-style entertainment. So really, what I'm trying to say is that my blog is getting a makeover!!!


No more bikinis and havaianas; its time for Dooney bags and chai lattes bitches.

Ate Logo!