My New Crib

As I mentioned earlier, I just moved! My old apartment was... interesting and it was time to get the f*** up out of there. Why you ask?

Here's the official "List of Reasons I Needed To Move My Black Ass"
( side note: I did not make any of this up; its the whole truth and nothing but the truth, which is so sad)

1.) There was no sunlight. My apt was in the back of the building on the 1st floor so I had no windows and got no air or sunlight. I did have a service area that you could kind of see a little bit of the sky but not enough to tell if it was cloudy or sunny.
2.) It was too dark.
3.) My Brazilian neighbors wash clothes for a living so our water bill was a nightmare! Oh yeah and the most important part, they conveniently don't pay it!
4.) My Brazilian neighbors also "accidentally"dropped their Candomblé pigeon into our apartment... twice.
5.) My landlord's crazy.... i mean, he's a nice guy. But all I'm a say is UFO= Angels? And if so does UFO abduction + my landlord = son of god ??? You think about that.
6.) My landlord's also moving back to the US and leaving the apt in someone else's hands.
7.) The Landlord's son had a psychological breakdown and almost killed himself in the street in front of our house.
which leads me to the final reason...
8.) I seriously think that place is haunted.

Thank God I'm out of there!

My new place is in Nazare, close to the mall Shopping Lapa. It's a one bedroom with lots of windows and sunlight and air. And it's in a condo with a doorman so i don't have to worry about the mailman jackin' my mail if I'm not home.

Here are some visuals: This is the front walk up. This is my luxurious living room... This is my view of the pool. And last, my gorgeous room.

Ok, not really. I would show you real pictures but my camera's broken. However my new place is very cute. period.

Axe: Rachel

You are the champion, my friend!

You know how when you where in elementary school your teacher used to smile at you and say in a sweet, soft voice "Everyone's a winner because we are all special!"

Well, I'm sorry to say that if your name is not William Lee then you are a big fat loser or a skinny bitch loser (You know who you are).

William Lee is the only special winner of the 2nd Brazilian thong giveaway! He's the champion, the vencedor, the man, the special one; He's Neo in fio dental.

I just hope he uses his new Brazilian thong to practice Brazilian jujitsu. There's nothing better than a dude who kicks ass, while showing some ass. MMMM...

William, be sure to send pictures! Beijos!

Axe: Rachel

And The Winner Is...

(ddrrruuummmm rrrrroooolllllll ) And the winner is: TARA NICOLAS!!! Tara was the 1st person to comment on my blog and will receive a authentic Brazilian thong bikini aka "fio dental" or dental floss. I want to congratulate her for winning amongst the hundreds of thousands of people fighting to leave comments here. Congrats sweetie!

However, since I personally know how many authentic Brazilian thongs Tara already owns (hundreds, all of them teal), I figured I´d give someone else the chance to win one... even the boys!!! (see picture) Or maybe you´d prefer to re-gift the thong... whatever.

And maybe, just maybe, I´ll even double the number of comments I´ve received in the HISTORY of this blog! Well, let me not get my hopes too high.

Anyhoo, to win the thong you must be the first person to answer the following question correctly:

Which of the authors on my favorite books list to the right is Brazilian?

Good luck and Godspeed!

Axe: Rachel

How do you say "professionalism" in Portuguese?

So, I found a new apartment (finally!) and my new landlord and I went to a notary office yesterday to get the contract notarized. We took a number and waited for about 45 minutes for our number to come up (even though there were only 2 people ahead of us). Side note: This is normal, by the way, because time doesn't signify much here; it's sort of like a guideline... a very loose guideline. Anyways, we finally get called up to desk 14, I sit down across from this thirty year old Brazilian man and I notice right away his t-shirt. No joke, he's wearing a pink t-shirt that reads "no plastic. 100% real. just how i like em!"

Q: Ummm... when did it become appropriate to wear that t-shirt with dress shoes to your office?
A: Apparently when your boss doesn't understand what it says.

It's actually really funny because Brazilians LOVE to use t-shirts with english on them and many of the t-shirt are:
a) totally inappropriate and the person has no idea or
b) or make absolutely no friggin sense!

Some examples I've seen: A busty Brazilian blond walking down the street with the words "ABUSE ME"in bold print stretching over her breasts. The t-shirt I almost bought until I flipped it around and saw that it said "the most sex girl of all galaxy" on the back. huh???

It made me think, "Man! I wish America had a trend like that, were it would be really cool to use t-shirts with german sayings on them... and Germans would walk around laughing at the stupid t-shirts we'd be wearing" And then I remembered, hey that's not so different from the getting a chinese/ japanese tattoo trend except that getting hot dog juice tattooed on your lower back thinking that it means destiny provides asians with a lifetime of pointing and laughing at your dumbass while a stupid t-shirt can be removed, burned and later denied... Just don't forget to burn the pictures!

Axe:Rachel

Lunch break...

It’s a beautiful Friday and where am I? At work, sitting on my little wooden chair, in front of my computer screen, looking over at the window, wanting to cry. (See Picture) The windows taunting me, laughing in my face with its view of the teal, blue water and one large coconut tree between my office and the beach. FIGURES. Yesterday, I didn’t have work and it was cloudy all day. I think I may start being very Brazilian and take a 2 hour lunch. Go eat some fried fish, rice and beans and drink a cold beer on the beach. Like they say, when you’re in Rome do as the Romans do… besides Brazilians aren’t that different from Haitians so from 12-2PM, you know where I’ll be.

Axe: Rachel

Traveling 101 For Fat Asses

Since I’ve left NY, I have been craving my favorite foods. This always happens and I thought I had prepared sufficiently by stuffing my face with pancakes, sweet potatoes, Chinese food and NY pizza the week before I left however, I still want to strangle someone when I think about not eating IHOP or Boston Market sweet potatoes for a year.

 

Lately, thought, I have been replacing my American food obsession for Brazilian ones and this has been working really well. For example, the melted cheese with sweet syrup that they sell on the beach, I can eat 3 of them in one sitting. And today I discovered my breakfast obsession to help me forget about pancakes and bacon and waffles (mmm)… it’s this oatmeal that this guy sells in a little cart on the street. Now I know what you’re thinking, that oatmeal could never compare with IHOP but this oatmeal is delicious! I don’t know what the hell it is, but its got little lumps in it and he sprinkles some cinnamon on top and I just melt. Today I bought two cups from him and walked to the bus stop with everyone staring at me, probably thinking “there goes that fat ass American girl”. However, I don’t give a f*** because that oatmeal is gostoso/ damn good! And as long as I keep walking up the favela hills here, my fat ass will stay tight in my fil dental/ dental floss bikini!

 

 

Axe:Rachel

Welcome...

My name is Rachel and I'd like to welcome my currently non-existent readers to my blog.

I am an NYU alumnus who is currently living in Salvador-Bahia Brazil. I am volunteering with an NGO here, learning about the non-profit field and getting ready for graduate school.

Really, I just spend the majority of my time eating melted cheese and honey on the beach and sipping on coconut water. (See picture)

I am writing this blog out of the saint-like goodness in my heart and my sincerest commitment to helping others. Hopefully, you (my non-existent readers) will have a good, out-loud laughing fit at your office, completely embarrassing you in front of your co-workers, and maybe even causing you to lose your job... or at least you'll have a chuckle or two reading my blog completely on my behalf (I'm so selfless!)

What I'm trying to say is, I hope you enjoy my neurotic rants and embarrassing episodes!

Muito Axe : Rachel